Walking or toeing the line?

It’s nearing the end of September and I sit here writing, early Saturday morning, reflecting on a few things. I struggled to fall asleep last night, my mind in turmoil, and I’m up early this morning. Unusual for me. Yesterday was my second coaching session (we’re having some business coaching) so perhaps it’s that that has kicked the dust and disturbed something in me.

We went through an exercise, which I found incredibly helpful. In order to think about a vision for the future and where we would like to be in two years time, we used the physical space of a corridor to act as a timeline. We would then walk through the timeline, point out and stop at moments imagining what would be happening, how it would feel, etc.

I thought I would find it easier than I did. When it came to me, I found myself floundering and rushing my way through it a bit – I felt nervous about the words that were coming out of my mouth, and how they might be heard to the others.

I found it interesting that whilst the exercise was designed to connect with the senses in order to articulate the future there was another thing going on. I wasn’t just walking the line, I was toeing the line. There were more things I could have said, but I held back so not to be harsh and offend. This is something I do regularly, I hold back, comply, soften and as a result I find myself in constant state of dissonance between how I want things to be and how they are.

Another thing that became apparent, was that there was nothing new or surprising to me. Maybe that’s why I rushed through, I already knew it, I’d been here before.

So two things have happened as a result. I’m feeling more clarity than ever that the vision that whirls away in the background is more true and I’m more convinced that this is what the future I want should look like, but I’m also a bit overwhelmed about what it will take to get us there and if we even can. At times it feels as though we’re our own greatest enemy, fighting the internal battle of alignment and agreement that’s sapping our energy when we could be galvanised and energised by what we see the future to be and lean into each other more to see us there.

BUT. In order for that to happen I cannot toe the line of compliance and status quo, I need to walk the line of vision and values. Walk the walk as they say.

To be honest I’m a bit lost with it all again really, and I don’t really know what my place in it is or what’s required of me, or if I even have the capability. I’ve got serious doubts over my ability to affect change, or even if ‘my strengths’ are even valuable in the endeavour.

I need help to do that. I need inspiration and I need encouragement. I feel a bit sad that those things are missing. I need a little of the quietly determined competitor to resurface in me and I need others.